Monday, January 28, 2013

Abandonment Issues

Moving never comes without its difficulties. I know this, and yet I find myself struggling and wallowing just the same. It isn't that I'm not happy to have moved, or that I wish I were still back in Northern California. Not at all. Southern California is beautiful, and the people are nice, and we are back with Jon, which is worth any growing pains we might experience. And yet...

I just feel so isolated. So friendless. Those people who were my close friends back home have been, well, absent. I've tried emailing, and texting. I've tried reaching out. But they are not very responsive. Is it something I have done? Or just the fact that I've moved away? I knew things wouldn't be the same, but I did think we could still be in contact and talk. Is it possible to feel abandoned when you are the one who moved away? Some days I just need a friend to talk to, someone who knows me. And I want to hear about how their lives are going, and what is happening for them. But things are quiet, and I feel very alone. Even in a place where there are so many people.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Ramble On

It's 7:30 on a Sunday morning and I'm listening to a storm rage outside. Peter Pan is on in the background, keeping my children quiet as long as possible in the (desperate) hope of not waking up Lindsey and Jared, who have been so kind as to open their home to us in our current state of homelessness. (I've never had anyone insist we move in with them before - it makes a girl feel loved.) It has been almost eleven weeks since Jon moved to Southern California to start school. This was never part of the plan, this being apart for so long. Or I should say it was never part of OUR plan. Heavenly Father was obviously working off of a different schematic. Which I am sure is for a greater purpose and our benefit in the long run, although I can't see that far ahead now. Apart we have been, Jon reverting to a bachelor's life (if you can revert to something you never lived before) and I to that of a single mother. It has been a challenge to say the least, and I find myself exhausted and emotional more often than I like to admit. Jon has been eating his weight in Top Ramen and Clif bars. He's also been busy finishing his first quarter and working 14 hour days training to manage a Panda Express. I miss him, the kids miss him. But we rely on each other more, and at the end of the day I am not alone. Jon doesn't get to have that right now. The freedom was fun for him at first, but what we both want more than anything now is to be a family again. It is easy to see why the family structure is so important when yours is slightly fractured. Luckily for me, I have been blessed with amazing family and friends who alternately listen to me whine and feed me and my kids when I just don't have it in me. It seems as though a place to live might be on the horizon, and I am doing my best to stay hopeful that it will all come together. We are ready to be complete again, and to show our kids all that Southern California has to offer. (Ok, maybe not all...just the good things please.) Hopefully we will be together by Christmas. But if not, we will be ok. If nothing else this experience has taught me to be flexible. Things may not be the way they've always been for the holidays this year, but there are other years. We are working the long game here, not the short. I'll leave you with a quote, which isn't exact and I'm giving no credit for since I am not sure who said it first. I've heard it for years, most recently from Lindsey who heard it in "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." - Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end. -

Friday, March 23, 2012

Broken heart

Your heart belongs to me, or at least that's what you've said time and time again. And so, when you turned it over to the surgeons today, it felt like a part of me was pulled away. All day I sat in different spaces with the same feeling, willing myself to be distracted by conversation while secretly my mind struggled to remind me to breathe. I caught tears at the back of my eyes and sobs in my throat, tucking them away from the strangers around me. 

I was patient through the hours, feeding on each report the nurse brought me but never feeling full, knowing I'd be hungry until I could feast my eyes on you again. As the clock ticked on I became restless, pacing the hallway at the hour I knew you should be done. I caught sight of your head as they wheeled you into the ICU and my breath quickened and I was revived.

The surgeon came to talk of aortas and grafts, walk me through the mending of the heart I own, drawing pictures with hands that performed amazing feats today, hands that have given you more of a life than you had this morning. 

In the ICU my own inferior hands found your skin, touched you so that my mind could believe what my eyes were seeing - the man I love, safe and sound. 

Miracles were wrought for you today, miracles of God and science. Care for this heart that you are housing for me as it heals that I may not have to watch it wheeled away from me again.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I am seriously working on finding happiness in my life as it is now. It is kind of a battle for me, but I have really been thinking lately about how we are really responsible for our own happiness. The world isn't going to make sure we are happy, and often times things aren't just going to happen for us that ensure happiness. It is up to  me to find joy in my everyday life. For me, this means digging deeper than the basic things that make me happy, like a cup of good hot chocolate, a good movie, etc. Because those things aren't lasting. If I am not happy with myself at the core, it is a lot harder to be joyful on the outside. I am working on finding things about myself that I love, and on putting out a more positive attitude about the world around me as well. Changing isn't easy, and it isn't quick, but it is sometimes necessary. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Halloween is over? Already? What happened? At this rate it will be New Year's and I will be left wondering what happened to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

This year, my kids were (in order from youngest to oldest) a bat, a punk rocker, a witch, and Athena. We trick-or-treated until almost 9 last night, and the haul the kids brought in was substantial. Enough to keep them in candy until Easter.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Crafty organization

I haven't posted since last November. I know, I know, it has been almost a year. Let's not talk about it. Dwelling on things is a bad habit. Let's just move on.

I got crafty this week, something I haven't done in a long time. You see, my dresser has been accumulating a massive pile of stuff, and within that mess was my jewelry. I have various jewelry boxes, and every couple of months I make an attempt to reorganize things, but my earrings, necklaces, and bracelets inevitably end up i a heap on my dresser, or spilling out of a box, tangled and difficult to manage. I had had enough.

So I made these:
And they are awesome. Organization and function masquerading as decor. I love them! Here are a couple of closer shots:

I wish I had taken pictures of the frames beforehand. They were just a couple of cheap, beat up frames from D.I. - I paid $3 for both. One was gold and one was wood. I spray painted them black, replaced the backing with hardware cloth, and voila! You can't see the detail really well on the longer frame, but it is lovely. And all my hangy jewelry is where I can see it, but out of the way. I also put some of my hair clips on there. And hanging on my wall it looks like art. Perfect! The pictures don't really do the whole thing justice. Even Jon thought it was really cool. (You know, since he knows what is cool. Ha!)

So that is it for show and tell. Guess I'll see you next year.